If 3 is good, 6 must be better

I just could not beleive how much of a blue funk I have been in. It is the pain and it is so loud I cannot see, feel or hear anything but. It snuck up on me. I am trying to be a good patient. I try to follow orders. I have been great since May of 1999. But now it is almost 2008...that is 9 ^^%&^^*^&^%&^$$*&5 years !!!!!
So the Lyrica that I was hoping would help I had over-ridden again. I was in so much pain I was up over 48 hours, I could not sleep. I wrapped all the presents and organized and tried to find something on the TV. I sat down and did a great deal of reading, I dare say as much reading as I could on Lyrica and through that I decided that if 450 mg were good, 900mg would be better. This drug has a 6 hour half life and so you have to have enough and overlapping to get the effect that you are searcing for. My Doctor is going to flip as he only has one other patient on the drug and she is still at 225mg per day.
The point is I need to be normal, I do not want the interuption of pain and I am tired of being patted on the head and told that there is notheing more they can do.
So I am going to make an appointment with the pharmasist to talk to him and get his spin on things. He know them, gives them to me and controls the amount that I get. I want to spend some time with the gatekeeper and hear his/her wisdom.
Christmas is soon here, and my husband and youngest child have the whole holiday off. I a thrilled that this perk is his.
The snow is pileing up and the house is almost ready. Just some baking to do.
God Bless Us Everyone!
Janet

Advent

How differently the world is feeling this year. Maybe it is me, maybe it is the world....I am not sure. I am amazed at how little time there is to be responsible enough for the family my husband and I have created let alone be reponsible for reaching out and being accountable to others. I marvel and feel lesser when I notice someone with a capasity for neverending giving and no-one feels shortchanged. I feel shortchanged a lot by energy and there are many in my life who state all kinds of times that I short change them.
Being an artist makes me feel selfish. It is my job but it is the kind of job that has overtime everyday and invades everything. It would be nice to rise and leave and separte my life into states of time and effort that are more tangible to all... or to be making enough money that no one would think twice about interupting.
I feel lonely in this struggle. And I feel alone in my calling. It is a ministry and I feel as though I am struggling to stay on an even keel.
I need to get away from here, even for a short walk each day. This week will bring that and making my bedroom up each morning. If I cannot leave the house at least I can leave one room ready to come back to with no guilt.
I hate fibro and what it has and is doing to my soul. I am feeling older now.
Janet

Another Month and an Affirmation

I still have to figure out how to not use this as a diary and better as a conversation. I enjoy reading many blogs of others daily, but I have yet to figure out how to join in the circle. I have yet to be discovered. I feel like a shy one on a chair in the corner, on the dark at a school dance waiting for someone , anyone to notice. I am so computer illiterate that I am embarrassed.

I have received a great gift. I have been given a generous grant of funds by the province to spend the next year creating my gallery of dolls that represent the unique gifts that northern Ontario has. The small treasures that most might miss or might not consider until....
The greatest part of this is that I have started to feel very different and very purposeful as to who I am. If you asked me a week ago I would have admitted to being artistic. I am now to proclaim that I am an Artist. I want to celebrate. I want a tattoo or a Nome tag or a sign on my house. Strangers have recognized my work as Art.

This has also opened up many other channels. With my Maker, my family, the rest of my time here and how much time I might have and a heady sense of Freedom !

I have also at the same time finished a hellish month of withdrawal from one Fibro drug ( gabapentin) and the introduction and now up to dose with a new one called Lyrica. IT WORKS ! I had heard that the results showed a favourable trial and with crossed fingered I hoped for myself. It does work and life has a lot of possibilities that I had decided were gone.
Firbri has robbed me of the last ten years of self actualization and now I feel like there is real hope and my family has noticed a great deal. I am so full of gratitude that I could bust.
The photos included are of the first doll for the grant Amethyst.

Now to connect with all of you.
Janet

The switch begins

for better or worse the switch from gabapentin to lirica has begun. I am anxious but I decided that I would wait until John got home, and he did so...now I can. I have cut one of the night dose out and in 3 days I will cut another out. I have to cut it to half before I start the new med.
I also had to deal with my mother very firmly. She told me during her weekly call that she would not be getting excited, or be showing any enthusasim for my daughter's wedding planned for next year. Her reasoning was that she does not approve. I told her that this wedding was not about her and that I was sorry that I would not be speaking of it again to her. It is not up for discussion. I also told her that should she not wish to come that we would respect that so that she might let us know if we would be wasting a stamp.
Tomorrow I have to meet with my youngests teachers, the are all wondering why he doesn't get some of the social niceties ( even though he is an A student ). It is because dear ladies ( who call meetings to show that they are right ) HE HAS AUTISM !!!! Diagnosed and given individual education plan, promised classroom help that he is uet to receive.....he has Asperger's. We have know this for 10 years!!!
It has been raining cats and dogs. I love it because the world interups my studio work less. Spent the day on sculpture. It was a good day.
J

Lryica ?

Today, and yesterday were probably the worst pain days that I have had in months. The pain of the fibromyalgia was so loud that I could do nothing at all. I am feeling very frustrated.
So I reteuned to the internet again and there I found whar I am hoping for......hope in the form of a newly released medicine for neuropathic pain, Lyrica.
I am so tired of the quality of my life being so limited by pain...but it is and there are so many other alternatives that could be worse.
In the meantime I spent an amazing evening with my youngest son Ian tonight. He is 16 and amazing. He made cookies tonight. He knows the way to my heart for sure. Chocolate chips.
My birds are coming along beautifully.
Yours Janet

The Right One

OK UNCLE!!!!!!

Well we have done it. We have finally reached the overwhelming saturation poin about THE wedding and the engagement has only been a week. To some people's disbelief we have... Booked the church, hall, photographer,and caterer,....arranged the music, registered for 60 gifts, started the budget book, chosen and put 50% down on the dress and snapped up all the fall decoration stuff for the venue we will need from Micheals at 50% off and the wedding is not until nest September. We have constucted hasty thankyou notes and set up a florist table in the spare room and have cellophane to wrap and store the centerpieces in, fleshed out the guest list, started a song list for the DJ and.....the event is not until.... NEXT September.
Anyone that reads this is going to think that I am mad. They would mistake madness for being thrifty both money and time wise. Anything I have named would cost twice as much next year and since my daughter is a photographer she will be busy shooting other's weddings as well as all her premarriage stuff happening next summer. My fibro will not take the stress and so I hope that this will be the saneest thing that we ever plan.
I was also very smart in that my daughter wanted a trumpet style dress that I knew would be too high fashion for the venue and her age and her soon to be crunchy granola lifestyle. Dress number 1 stuck out. I secretly cheered inside as the very knowedgable staff slipped her into the perfect dress. We all just KNEW IT

.
We came home a put everything away and I pulled out my knitting. We are finshed and can tidy the house and look forward to Thanksgiving (Canadian) this weekend.
We have so many things to be thankful for. We are very blessed.
Janet

ANGST !!!!!!

Is anyother soul out there as tired and bored of house and home as I seem to be. It seems to have lost its purpose. It also seems to have lost momentum and help. I though I had it together and even had hired on some help but she quit. She would not wear gloves or use any of the green products we use and then would complain that the chemicals were buring her hands and her skin was peeling. DUUUUH!?!?
So it is back on me and frnkly I am not feeling creative or loving about it.... rather resentful. The days have become too quiet and the orders for art have kept coming and I am so very tired.
The seasons are changing and I truly want to fly away with the geese and I truly long for some kindred souls. I find myself reading a lot of entries. I have not figured out how to link yet... but I will. I made a sparrow today. He still needs his beak. I will take a phto tomorrow..
Yes I know that I am whining like an overtired child. Menopause and Fibro steal sleep. I must get out tomorrow.
Janet

Bride's Magazines !!!!!

My dog Mop ( a toy terripoo )( 7 lbs) has delared that he needs lap time !
Well it is not 24 hours yet and we think we have the wedding all thought out. The venue, rentals, food and music and the guest list made up. They are so very happy. Only one attendant each and a year away. I am tired and need to be in the studio for the next 4 days. Life catches up and we will need to finace a good chunk of this.
The bride's mother ....Janet

Too Soon !

My mother had a very specific script for all of us. We were all to get post secondary education, learn to play a musical instrument , attend church and never sit with our hands empty. And although all of these have served me well, I did not parent on my own and I have not been the same kind of parent that she was and still is. She had me in tears again today because of my weight. I love here very much but she is a very critical parent and that has put distance in her relationships with her adult children because we have all chosen to include our spouses and our children and there have been no thou shalt not.

But this evening my beautiful ownly daughter came home with a ring on her finger. She has our blessing and he is a lovely young man.... but she is 18 and he is 32. Even as I type this I squirm a bit. It is just that they are so in love and so very well suited and she is older for her age and he is younger.

I want to write it down my sacred vow that I will assist her in creating the day that she wants. I had my day and I am hoping that she will look back on hers and know that it was Jays and her special day. I love them both and frankly they have been underfoot.....it is hard to work around love birds. We are gaining a family member and another future to be part of .....So here is to next summer! May the time drag its heels.

Holy Cow

It has been too long since I was here before. I lost my way and my path and am now just starting to get it all back again. I have been lurking though. There are so many amazing women and extrodinary ideas. When I feel "thin of spirit" I just find someone like Art Tea Life and start watching her watches and moving through the gardens of connections that have been made.
Now It is time to start my own garden planted with friends. I have decided that another year at home is needed. The fibro has hit and hit hard. I worry about what will happen if I ever find myself alone. My DH does so much. And so I will stay in my studio and continue making dolls and fish, birds and bugs. I will also finally start manging my Etsy store.
This is all a long list but....I am at a very unique space. For once nobody really needs me. Itis a blessing, My parents still have their health and my children are trying their wings.
So I am going to make some door knob hangers for the outside doors, letting my drop in friends that the kettle goes on for tea at 4, but that I am on the studio. My "gym" Cruves is just a few blocks away and so is downtown. It is time to take care of myself and respect this half century body.
I need to laugh more as well. So here I is ?

Talking

I don't think that people really talk anymore. I am amazed at how little people listen as well. It can be very frustrating in this world of high speed to feel that you have a voice or that you are really being heard. I find myself a great deal lately asking my kids, after I have said something to them, ok....what did you just hear me say? and finding that there is a great deal of broken telephone going on.
This is especially so when the people you love are at a distance. We moved out of the confines of big city living to raise our children in a quieter place. Unfortunatly it means that we can be more than half of Canada away from the people who live most firmly in our heart. The telephone conversations are strained and I envy those who live close to family. It would be great to just drop in for a cup of tea and a chat.
I need to be more creative and that is what this silly rant is about today. I miss them terribly and we all made choices and we are all frustrated as to the choice we chose not...isn't that poetic.
Got any suggestions? The kids above are all cousins and live within 1500 miles. This summer they got together for the first time in 12 years. Got any suggestions ?